Comcastic

I was moved by RJA’s account of Click’s birthday party so much so that I wanted to do one of my own, but sadly time has not allowed. (Likewise I wanted to wax poetic about getting Andria entangled in the Funniest Mom in America Contest, but I’ll save that for tomorrow when I can dish about her victory.)

In the meantime I’d like to transcribe a conversation I just had with a Time War—uh—Comcast employee.

“Comcast, this is Beverly, how can I help you?"

“I would like to have the $11.95 Pay-Per-View charge removed from my account.”

“Okay…”

“I didn’t order any movies last month.”

“Who else lives with you?” she asked suspiciously.

“My husband, but he didn’t—“

“It’s an adult selection,” she said conspiratorially.

“What? What’s the title of the movie?” I asked, sure that I had heard her wrong.

“We don’t have titles ma’am. It just shows that it is one of our Hot Features.”

“Uh, I really don’t think that my husband ordered a Hot Feature. Are you sure it isn’t a mistake? I was given a credit last month for movies that were incorrectly charged to my account,” I rambled suddenly feeling very naïve.

“That was probably a courtesy credit,” she said already feeling sorry for me and my perverted husband.

“But, wait, I didn’t even ask for the credit. I got a letter in the mail…”

“Well, I can have them check it, but now that we are Comcast they are very strict.”

“Yes, please check it,” I said.

“They will have to review your ordering history and they can see when you ordered it, when you fast forwarded, paused…they can see everything,” she said as if she wanted to torture me.

“Well can you see what day and time it was ordered?” I asked, curious now, remembering the day that I caught Jiro going wild with the remote control.

“October 6th at 9:00am.” She continued, “It looks like someone tried to stop it at 10:30am, but it was too late.”

“I have a two-year-old and a four-year-old who play with the remote control a lot since we DVR their shows,” I explained. “It might have been one of them.”

“Ordering an adult movie, requires that you push three different buttons,” she said doubtfully.

Clearly she had never met Jiro. When it comes to remote controls, DVDs, CDs, etc. he has no problem getting them to work. Actually, it makes more sense that Satchel would have inadvertently ordered the movie since he just clicks randomly hoping for the best.

I looked on my calendar. October 6th was a Friday.

“You know, there isn’t anyone home at my house on Friday mornings at 9:00am.”

“Well, like I said, we can check on it…especially if you think a “worker” or someone came into your house and watched the movie while you, your husband, and your kids were at church praying or out visiting elderly people in nursing homes or whatever sad people like you do while not watching porn.”

“Okay thanks,” I said as I hung up.