Mean Girls

Yesterday in the car on the way to school Satchel burst out with, “I hate Remi!”

“Why do you hate Remi?” I asked innocently.

“Because she is mean,” he explained.

“What does she do that’s mean?” I asked, needing just a little more information since I know for a fact that Remi loves Satchel.

“All of the girls are mean,” he said.

“All of them?” I asked.

“YES!”

“What do they do?” I asked.

Silence.

“Why are they mean?” I tried.

Silence.

I pulled into the parking lot without having solved the mystery. Satchel and Jiro both jumped out of the car and we went in as usual. Since I stayed up late watching Season 1 of Project Runway on DVD, I didn’t really give our conversation much thought after that. I was too tired.

When I went to pick the boys up, I ended up talking to Remi’s mom, the school’s director, for about an hour. No, not about Remi being mean, but about phonograms, the Zoo, the Old Forest, Stanky Creek in Bartlett, Spring Break, Summer Camp, and so on. Finally the monkeys demanded that we leave, so I said goodbye and we headed to the car.

Remi followed us out and as Satchel was buckling his seatbelt, she yelled, “Bye Bootyhead!”

He undid his seatbelt and leaned out the door, “Bye Stinkyface!”

Then Jiro yelled something silly. And then Remi. And then Satchel. They were all laughing hysterically so I assumed they were just being silly.

As we drove away, Satchel said, “Do you want to know what Remi did that was mean?” as if we were still having our conversation from the morning.

“Yes,” I said.

“She kicked me in the head!”

In my mind, I tried to figure out how Satchel’s head would be in kicking distance of Remi’s foot. “She kicked you in the head?” I clarified.

“KISSED!” he screamed. “She kissed me on the head!”

“Oh kissed,” I said.

“Isn’t that mean?” he said in all seriousness. “And she hugged me!”

Trying not to laugh I said, “Honey, when someone kisses you or hugs you they aren’t trying to be mean.”

Now Jiro piped in for the first time, “Yeah, I tried to hug Satchel too and he pushed me!”

Knowing how Jiro can be a little “enthusiastic” with his affection, I said, “Well Satchel shouldn’t push you, but when you hug someone be sure that you don’t get a running start.”

“Riley kissed me too!” Satchel continued. “All of the girls were kissing me!”

“Did you tell them that you didn’t like that and ask them to stop?” I asked.

“Yes!” he said. “But they kept chasing me and kissing me anyway!”

Then I had a flashback to when I was five-years-old…chasing boys on the playground and trying to kiss them. Sometimes, my twin sister, Tracey, would help me gang up on some of them.

“Satchel, I don’t think the girls are trying to be mean. I think they like you,” I said.

Silence.

“When I was a little girl, I did the same thing. I think it’s just a little girl thing. You like Star Wars and they like kissing,” I said.

I did not say that one day he too would like kissing for fear that it would totally freak him out.

“They were kissing all of the fours and fives,” he said referring to his classmates after realizing the kissing wasn’t a personal attack.

“Did they try to kiss you too, Jiro?” I asked.

“Yep!” he said matter-of-factly.

“And you’re just a three!” I said.

“Yep.”

“Did you like it when they kissed you?”

“Yep.”

“You did?”

“Yep.”

“Why?” I asked, curious.

“I think it’s funny,” he said.

I can’t wait to see what happens on Friday when the school celebrates St. Patrick’s Day.