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I've noticed a very disturbing thing about my children. They are show offs. And, unfortunately, what they like to show off is how naughty they are. (Don't look, Santa!)
Of course, they think they are super cool.
If you come over and the monkeys do any of the following things it doesn't mean I'm a bad mom, it means they really like you!
1. Let out a long string of expletives Tourette's style.
2. Throw each other on the ground and begin wrestling.
3. Inexplicably run out of the door and into the street.
4. Punch their mother (me) in the vagina.
5. Put on a motorcycle helmet, stuff a pillow in their shirt, and throw themselves on the floor after getting a running start.
They did all 5 of the following things earlier this evening when my friend Mary stopped by unexpectedly.
I'm so proud.
Not.
But here's the thing. I'm smarter than them. (For now, anyway.) After a series of futile lectures on "Grace & Courtesy" I informed them that each time they said a cuss word, hit me or each other, ran into the street, etc. I was going to take $1 out of their piggy banks.
I quickly obtained $2.00 after each of them made an infraction. They are now quietly watching TV, saying "please" and "thank you" and "excuse me," and acting like little darlings.
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4 comments:
I'm still laughing out loud from #4
Smart thinking. I'm not sure my kids would have gotten beyond the vagina punching without me snatching their asses up by the hair and locking them out of the house. Way to keep a cool head!
I did wonder why there were tiny foul-mouthed sailors watching alvin and the chipmunks in your living room, but I just assumed it was fleet week or something.
Actually I did not notice number 4 (but I might have been distracted by numbers 1, 2, 3, and 5).
Thank you. I really appreciate not being the only one on the planet with two little boys.
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